The Lamentation of Two Hearts
by Lucythebeast
Summary: Shinji says goodbye to Rei after Toji's death in a sad, disturbing manner. Alternate Vision scene of Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy.


**NG: Evangelion – The Lamentation of Two Hearts**

Required Disclaimer: This is of course a work of fanfiction. It is meant simply to be homage to the wonderful work of GAINAX and the creative team that worked so hard to give us such an amazing story. It is also meant, of course, to entertain you, the readers. So… enjoy and stuff.

_Author's Note: This story is an "alternate vision" scene of my story "Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy", which unlike the prior one "A Moment of Peace", which COULD have happened, this one most definitely did not. It takes place after Toji Suzahara's death when the Dummy Plug controlling Unit 01 crushed his entry plug to defeat the 13th angel. Shinji is likely a bit OOC here... though for someone who tried to kiss a sleeping Asuka and then later on wanked himself over her comatose body, perhaps not so much. Haha... It's a dark and sad fic and involves an encounter that could be considered rape, depending on your views on the issue. If you don't want to read it, then don't. So on top of the usual lemon warning, a "possible" rape warning is here too. No violence though. If you do read it, either enjoy it or be disturbed by it. Either way, hopefully the writing itself is appreciated. You can also find this fic on my website, with illustrations._

Rei Ayanami was lying on her stomach on top of the covers of her bed, staring blankly at the lamp on the end table situated behind her bed. She contemplated whether to read a book or not, but she wasn't really in the mood. Her mind was on her fellow pilot, Shinji Ikari, and what the Dummy Plug system had forced him to do. Her shoulder was also still sore from when they had to disconnect her Eva's arm to prevent the rest of her Eva from being contaminated, while the neural connection was still in place. The sensation of having her arm severed from her body was still rather fresh in her subconscious and had left a ghost pain in the limb.

Her crimson eyes shifted to look at the sliding glass door that led to her balcony as she heard the sounds of rainfall, filtered water collected from the surface above to fall onto the Geofront below. The patter comforted her. The first child was just considering sitting up to stare out the window and watch the raindrops when the annoying sound of her door buzzer resonated throughout her apartment. As usual, she ignored it, even as it resounded urgently several more times.

The door opened several long moments later and the blue-haired angel turned her head from her prone position on the bed to regard the third child as he entered her apartment. "Ayanami? Are you... awake?" Shinji inquired in a soft vulnerable tone.

The red-eyed girl stood up and took a step towards the boy. "Yes." She responded simply, curious why he was paying her a visit. She had assumed he would either be in a detention cell or at home with Major Katsuragi and Asuka by now.

"I... I'm sorry to barge in here like this." He stated nervously, glancing back towards the door, likely contemplating leaving.

"Why?" Rei inquired. The young Ikari was the only person who visited her apartment that expressed such concerns over invading her privacy, so it was a foreign concept to her.

The blue-eyed boy misinterpreted her question, assuming she was asking why he was visiting her. "I... quit. I am no longer an Eva pilot. Father... didn't even apologize for... what he did. I am leaving the city, but I couldn't leave without seeing you one last time. To say... goodbye."

Melancholy settled over the girl's heart, though no change in her expression occurred. "Oh." Was her only reply.

The third child's eyes squeezed shut as tears forced their way out. "Why... did he do it, Ayanami? Why did he force me to kill Suzahara? And why couldn't he just... apologize for it?"

"I do not know, Ikari." The red-eyed angel responded evenly.

Shinji rushed forward suddenly and wrapped his arms around the blue-haired beauty, sobbing onto her shoulder as her eyes widened in surprise. "I'm so sorry, Ayanami." He whispered between sobs.

The first child stared blankly towards her door, her own arms prone impassively at her sides. "Why?" She asked in her usual soft tone.

"I wish I were stronger... maybe I could have saved Suzahara if I were." The dark-haired boy muttered, his tears dampening the shoulder of the girl's school uniform, which she was wearing even though she hadn't gone to school that day.

Rei stared ahead silently, unsure of what she was supposed to do, so she remained still as the boy's choking sobs filled the sparsely furnished apartment.

"I wish... I could have been stronger for you too, Ayanami." Shinji whispered, feeling ashamed at expressing his sorrow all over the girl's frail shoulder. He clutched at her tightly as his tears fell unchecked.

The red-eyed girl glanced towards her stove through the doorway leading to her entrance hallway, wondering if she should offer the boy some tea. She remembered having some, but she had never made it and she wasn't sure how to prepare it. The consideration ended when she felt the boy nuzzling into her neck, murmuring something she couldn't quite hear. A moment later, she felt his lips on her neck and his hot tears dripping down the back of her neck, falling into the opening between her skin and the collar. She was confused by the other pilot's strange actions, but she remained motionless.

"Ayanami..." The young Ikari murmured, finding comfort from holding the girl and he was spurred onward by his grief. He kissed the girl's sweet-smelling neck several times, without conscious thought.

"Ikari?" The first child asked into the emptiness of her apartment, baffled by the boy's actions.

"Ayanami." Shinji whispered again, running the fingers of his left hand through the girl's feather-soft blue hair as he pressed his lips to hers in an inexperienced kiss, using his right arm to hold the girl close. He pecked her several times before his sorrow started expressing itself in passion, his smooches becoming hotter and more demanding.

Rei stared forward at the boy's face, her eyes widened in surprise and confusion, though his eyes were closed so he did not see her expression.

The third child made a soft "Mmm" sound into the girl's mouth as his own tongue snaked out to caress against the girl's and his hand moved down to grope the girl's bum, lifting the back of her skirt so his hand was pressing into her panty-covered backside.

The blue-haired beauty felt her cheeks heating up in a blush as the young Ikari's lips made their way down to the base of her neck and his hand trailed up her thigh into the crotch of her panties. Her eyes drifted over to stare fixedly at her closet, passively standing still as the boy touched her in all manner of intimate ways. "... Ikari?" She questioned again, her tone a little more vulnerable than usual.

"You smell so good, Ayanami..." Shinji murmured as one hand made its way underneath the cotton of the girl's panties to explore her insides and the other opened a few buttons on the dress shirt of her uniform so he could clumsily grope at her bra.

Rei's blush deepened, both in embarrassment and due to the third child's inexperienced touches. A few moments later she found herself staring up at the cement tiles of her ceiling as the boy lowered her down onto the bed behind her and lay half over her body as he continued fondling the quiet red-eyed girl. She turned her head and could see water drops falling around the edge of her curtains and watched the sight as the other pilot's fingers continued sliding around in her moistening depths.

The third child murmured something the girl didn't quite hear as he started suckling at her now exposed right nipple and his hips shifted between her thighs as he pulled the blue-haired beauty's legs a little further apart.

The first child heard a chinking sound as the boy undid his belt and then a moment later the telltale sound of a zipper being lowered. She then felt her panties pulled over to the side, exposing the lips of her sex. After a few moments of uncomfortable shifting, she felt something hard and hot pressing against her vagina. She tried to turn her head to see what was on the dark-haired boy's face but his head was against her shoulder and she heard a soft sobbing sound again.

"Why did he force me to do that, Ayanami? Why does he destroy everything I care about?" Shinji asked as he pressed himself forward until he was buried to the hilt inside the girl's warm and moist depths. Without waiting for a reply, his hips started shifting back and forth in a slow and deep rhythm as his choked sobs floated into the barren depths of the apartment.

Rei winced as her body was unaccustomed to such intrusions, but she made not a single sound. She began to wonder just what sort of man the commander was to destroy the sweet innocence of the pilot that was having sex with her now. Her eyes shifted over to the dresser a little ways past the foot of her bed, focusing on the cracked eyeglasses that were so dear to her.

The blue-eyed boy wept harder as his thrusts picked up speed, one of his hands moving down to slide underneath the cotton panties to squeeze her bum hard enough to leave impressions in the flesh, likely bruising the tender pale skin. "I hate him. I... think I even want to kill him, Ayanami. How can he be so... cruel?" He whispered, breaking down into wracking sobs.

The young Ayanami felt the back of her hair growing moist from the salty tears. She winced again as she felt the boy's nails digging into the flesh of her shoulder as his arm wrapped around the back of her own.

"Why did he have to bring me here! Why did I have to pilot that thing? Why couldn't he have just left me alone? He only wanted me when he could use me... and he used me up and spit me out. Toji... I'm so sorry." Shinji whimpered, grinding his hips almost cruelly into the first child's. A moment later he wrapped both of his arms around the small of the girl's slender back and pulled her upright as he shifted back into a sitting position.

Rei's arms hung limply down toward the bed as her body was rocked on top of the third child's lap. Her head rolled back as she felt her cheeks burning in what seemed a permanent blush. She remained loose and passive as she was forced up and down on the boy's straining erection. Her red eyes shifted down to see the other pilot's eyes were clenched shut and his expression seemed caught halfway between rage and sorrow. Her heart wept for the boy's pain, despite what he was doing to her body.

"That stupid... evil... son of a... bitch..." The blue-eyed pilot gasped out, pounding the girl's hips on his own ever faster and harder as fresh tears spilled down his cheeks.

The crimson-eyed angel's eyes drifted shut as her mouth hung open, soft sighs forcing their way out of her as a strange warmth and pleasure radiated unbidden out of her center and washed over the rest of her body. She would have been confused at what was going on if she had been able to form conscious thought at the time.

"**AYANAMI!**" Shinji cried out, holding the girl still as a groan issued forth from the depths of his throat, which sounded more like a growl than anything else. He shivered as he reached his peak in the deepest reaches of the girl's body.

Rei gasped softly as she leaned forward to rest her head on the boy's strong shoulder as she felt the wet warmth spreading in her body. She felt weak, but she wasn't sure why. She became aware of the third child sobbing onto her shoulder again as he clutched at her hips. After what seemed an eternity later, she was lowered onto her back once more. She took a deep breath as she felt a lethargy starting to spread throughout her body and she wondered if the boy was going to sleep with her, and whether he would now stay in the city. Her heart yearned for that, hoping he would stay with her forever.

The blue-eyed boy turned so he was sitting on the edge of the bed and stared at the half-opened closet blankly. Without looking back at the girl behind him he said "I'm sorry."

The girl turned her head and fixed her crimson eyes on the sweat-stained back of the pilot's shirt. "For what?" She inquired innocently.

Shinji turned his head to look at the girl with sadness in his eyes. "I'm... going to miss you, Ayanami."

A foreign pain lanced into the blue-haired beauty's heart as she realized he was still going to leave the city. "I... shall miss you as well, Ikari." She stated the truth, though it was barely a fraction of what she wanted to tell him. She felt a little angry at being used. She felt yearning for him to take her once again. But most of all, she just felt sorrow at the boy's impending departure from her life.

The third child stared at the floor for an imperceptible amount of time and then reached into his forgotten backpack and pulled out his SDAT player. He turned to face the first child and placed his beloved device into the girl's hands as she regarded him with surprise and confusion evident on her normally stoic face. "I want you to have this... to remember me by. I hope..." He fell silent for a few moments and then sighed. "I'm sorry."

Rei watched as he stood up and bashfully zipped his pants back up and buckled them. He then straightened out the rest of his clothes, unable to meet the girl's eyes. She wanted to call out to him, to ask him to stay, for her if for no other reason. But she kept silent, watching his nervous departure and the way his eyes fixated on the floor as he left.

The red-eyed angel sat up, wincing slightly as her weight settled onto her bruised and tender parts. She stared silently at the door for a while, half-expecting the pilot to come running in and saying he changed his mind and would never leave her. That what he just did meant something and it wasn't just his expression of lamentation. She would have even settled for him returning just to ask for his SDAT player back, just so that she could see him one more time. But her door remained closed and her heart remained empty.

The blue-haired beauty shifted her gaze onto the SDAT player in her hands. Impulsively, she lifted the earpieces up and placed them in her ears. She stared at the player for several moments before her finger reached out as if with a mind of its own to hit play. The sounds of the boy's favorite song flooded into her consciousness.

She contemplated the kind and caring boy that had entered her life when the angels first started coming, and the broken down bitter man-child that had shuffled out of her life moments before as she listened to the song. Hot tears spilled from her eyes as she grieved both for the loss of the young Ikari's innocence, and for herself for now being alone once more. "Ikari... Ikari... don't go." She finally whispered out, much too late.


End file.
